My father has been gone almost six years. He left this world suddenly and unexpectantly. It was one of those moments in life that literally knocked the breathe right out of my body. A part of me passed on with him that day never to return. He was young and lived life at full speed and then some. I refused to believe that it was his time to go. Clearly he and his maker thought differently!
My relationship with my father was not an easy one by any means but then again no human relationship is perfect. He was of the old school type of fatherhood which believed in discipline and providing financially for the family. Emotional support was a mother's job. So as a result he presented as the first emotionally distant man in my life. He was a tough man and pushed his family to never settle for anything but perfection. "If you are not going to do it properly then don't bother doing it at all" was his motto. I was his first born and we were two people thrown together by blood ties but on completely different ends of the personality spectrum. He was a charming extrovert who loved to socialise and meet new people and live life. I was a quiet serious introvert who preferred to spend time alone and observe life. He would often lose his temper with me which resulted in him yelling and me skulking away in silence which of course made him even more angry. It wasn't all bad. I have many fond memories of my time with him and as time marched on and we each grew older we started to understand each other better. Maybe we just got used to each other with less fuss? I was starting to feel that my relationship with him was about to reach a comfortable place...and then he died. That opportunity to make things right or better was ripped away from me suddenly and I resented that.
It amazes me that even though he is no longer here he continues to teach me life lessons. I used to believe that the lessons vanished with the person. But then something happened recently which made me believe differently. I met a guy......one that reminded me of my father, so much so that I found it physically uncomfortable being around this guy at times. Of course I never told him that. It would have freaked him out! This guy was the image of my dad at that age. And ironically we started chatting over a picture of my dad which I posted on his birthday last year in December to remember him. Even more ironically we figured out that there was a connection between his family and mine. His mother and godmother knew my dad and uncle. The world is indeed a very small place. So there was dad at the start of it all waving at me trying to get my attention.
This something with this guy didn't last very long and I don't think you can even call it a relationship. It confused the hell out of me whatever it was. The experience did not make sense at all from a girl guy point of view! Although there were a few treasured moments on my part. He was charming and too much fun! Remind you of someone Hayley? Sometimes he would proudly show me pictures of his daughter. He had chosen not to be with the mother of his child and being away from his daughter was hurting him. When I looked at pictures of his daughter it was like looking in a mirror. I saw myself in her as a young baby and a young girl. My parents had split when I was young. Yet another way my father had deserted me although now I know it was for the better. And I now realise how much being apart from us really hurt my dad. I often think of his little girl.
And then it hit me....this wasn't about me and this random guy...it was about my relationship with my father! This person (who was obviously completely wrong for me as far as my ego was concerned) had flitted into my life unexpectedly and out of it just as quickly to show me things about myself and give me the opportunity to do things differently. He kept me at arms length always and refused to connect emotionally and introduce me into his life in any way. Sound familiar? It ended too quickly for my liking. Things were just getting started for heaven's sake. We needed more time to get to know one another. Sound familiar? So it ended because I opened my big mouth and told the young man that this was no longer working for me. And boy did he lose his temper with me! Sound familiar? Even though he was secretly waiting for me to create a reason for him to end things with me because heaven forbid he should be the one who does the hurting and leaving. But this time there was one glaring difference....a LIGHTBULB MOMENT! Hayley finally stood up and spoke up for herself and stood her ground before too much damage could be done.
So dad I hope you were watching because I finally did it. I finally learnt that lesson you were trying to teach me all those years. It took me 40 bloody years to do so but I got it! I learnt to stand up for myself and not settle for anything less than I deserve from a man. It got ugly and was so uncomfortable...and it hurt like hell! Like it did when you used to yell at me. But I did it. I stood in the fire and got burned...BUT I am not broken. I am proud of my strength and power. I hope you are.
THANKS DAD!
